looking back.
looking back, i was looking at the past relationships i had. oh, i mean past relationship. because i only had one. okay. i am including those flings and "ai mei". okay. is my love story is damn pathetic. i can't think of many though.
the first and only one i had so far was ZH. i was in secretly in love wit him for 3 years. we got together for 2 years. and then, i took 3 years to forget him. i spent a total of 8 years on this guy. that is one third of my life. this is crazy. i am mad. i am stupid. why did i wasted so much time. but i know, the thing above love is, all will be blinded by it when u are deeply involved.
i admit when i broke up with ZH, there was a period when i was super down. i kept going to clubs, say 3 times a week. i meet a lot of guy friends when i was working with prudential. i did not know what i was doing. i only wanted to numb myself by finding attention from other guys. there were M, A, J, P and many many many more. over period of a few months, i hang out with them,.. though most of them are still friends with me now, i was silly to think that finding others' company will make me forget him.
then, i got tired of all those nonsense. i met E. he was everything that a girl wants. smart, rich, cute, chatty and almost perfect. blame it on my stupidity and unwillingness to open up. i missed him. fate played a joke on us. we are not even friends now. maybe we are still, but i don't have the courage to carry on this friendship. or rather i don't see the need to.
yes, on and off , i still meet new people. but they are getting lesser. Z, Z, H and many more i met at work place. hmm. but it is just not possible for anything to happen. then, i begin to shut myself down more and more. i hated guys more and more. i put all my energy on studies. i numb myself by studying and projecting.
this attitude carried on all the way till i was in USA. i refused to mingle with guys initially. i hated guys' presence. i hate those with the penis hanging down there. i hated those who uses the lower body to think.
but you know what? cupid played a great joke on me. i met 3 guys. whose actions and words opened my heart. M, C and I. and of course, not forgetting those random strangers whom i met out shopping or at work. i feel very much appreciated. i thought maybe not all guys are after sex after all. i thought maybe my niche market isn't in Singapore and perhaps elsewhere. thanks to M, C and I, my hatred for guys was removed. my phobia for guys was gone.
I gave me a keychain. C gave me a monkey toy. they were so sweet. i felt like a little princess. i felt love.
M was the one that changed my life completely. he taught me how to laugh, how to kiss, how to love, how to care, how to hug, how to be happy. we behaved like couples, friends and strangers. it was complicated. we even so called co habitat. it was damn sweet to wake up seeing the special someone sleeping beside you. and closing your eyes to sleep and he was the last one you see. he was the one you see in your dream.
but, we all know things are impossible between us. never possible. we are from a different world totally. different languages, different religions, different cultures, different perceptions, but.. we fell in love, despite all that.
i know that he is happy now in another world. i know that he will never forget me because i was in his life chapter once. i still do miss him not because i still like him but he is a special someone in a special corner in my heart that no one will be able to replace him. is just enough to think of those sweet memories. is just enough to keep me smiling all day thinking of his jokes and hairstyle. is just enough to for me to have all that as memories.:) is really enough.
because of him, i know that i can love again. and i trust him. trust his sentence.
he said: " Shan..i believe that you will find someone better. and he is waiting for you in Singapore."
because of that, i have decided to try again. whatever it is in the future, i will try my best not to fear again.
i trust you, Max.
the first and only one i had so far was ZH. i was in secretly in love wit him for 3 years. we got together for 2 years. and then, i took 3 years to forget him. i spent a total of 8 years on this guy. that is one third of my life. this is crazy. i am mad. i am stupid. why did i wasted so much time. but i know, the thing above love is, all will be blinded by it when u are deeply involved.
i admit when i broke up with ZH, there was a period when i was super down. i kept going to clubs, say 3 times a week. i meet a lot of guy friends when i was working with prudential. i did not know what i was doing. i only wanted to numb myself by finding attention from other guys. there were M, A, J, P and many many many more. over period of a few months, i hang out with them,.. though most of them are still friends with me now, i was silly to think that finding others' company will make me forget him.
then, i got tired of all those nonsense. i met E. he was everything that a girl wants. smart, rich, cute, chatty and almost perfect. blame it on my stupidity and unwillingness to open up. i missed him. fate played a joke on us. we are not even friends now. maybe we are still, but i don't have the courage to carry on this friendship. or rather i don't see the need to.
yes, on and off , i still meet new people. but they are getting lesser. Z, Z, H and many more i met at work place. hmm. but it is just not possible for anything to happen. then, i begin to shut myself down more and more. i hated guys more and more. i put all my energy on studies. i numb myself by studying and projecting.
this attitude carried on all the way till i was in USA. i refused to mingle with guys initially. i hated guys' presence. i hate those with the penis hanging down there. i hated those who uses the lower body to think.
but you know what? cupid played a great joke on me. i met 3 guys. whose actions and words opened my heart. M, C and I. and of course, not forgetting those random strangers whom i met out shopping or at work. i feel very much appreciated. i thought maybe not all guys are after sex after all. i thought maybe my niche market isn't in Singapore and perhaps elsewhere. thanks to M, C and I, my hatred for guys was removed. my phobia for guys was gone.
I gave me a keychain. C gave me a monkey toy. they were so sweet. i felt like a little princess. i felt love.
M was the one that changed my life completely. he taught me how to laugh, how to kiss, how to love, how to care, how to hug, how to be happy. we behaved like couples, friends and strangers. it was complicated. we even so called co habitat. it was damn sweet to wake up seeing the special someone sleeping beside you. and closing your eyes to sleep and he was the last one you see. he was the one you see in your dream.
but, we all know things are impossible between us. never possible. we are from a different world totally. different languages, different religions, different cultures, different perceptions, but.. we fell in love, despite all that.
i know that he is happy now in another world. i know that he will never forget me because i was in his life chapter once. i still do miss him not because i still like him but he is a special someone in a special corner in my heart that no one will be able to replace him. is just enough to think of those sweet memories. is just enough to keep me smiling all day thinking of his jokes and hairstyle. is just enough to for me to have all that as memories.:) is really enough.
because of him, i know that i can love again. and i trust him. trust his sentence.
he said: " Shan..i believe that you will find someone better. and he is waiting for you in Singapore."
because of that, i have decided to try again. whatever it is in the future, i will try my best not to fear again.
i trust you, Max.
posted by mEishAn at 12:34 AM
2 Comments:
sounds good after all those complaining. hope ur work is not as cruel as life is. anywayz, come on la! ur market is not niche lor. if E is available back then, it means that there's more Es to come lor! wat's M, C, I compared to when the right guy comes along? :) and u better meet up and let us know how's ur work going!
Yr blog is finally revived! haha, yea, go out, enjoy, make friends, and soon before u know it, yr niche spreads from spore to ukraine...
meet up soon
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